Need some authorities to help hold down the fort? You’ve come to the wrong place. Despite that truth, behold the guiding principles of Circus Metropolus’s almighty-ish enforcement fauxlice, The Kops:

• Uphold the Laws of Ludicrosity
• Respond to Every Call Eventually
• Patrol the Streets with Semi-Swagger
• Defuse Tension with Inepitude
• Embrace Glorious Irreverence
• Keep Justice on the Wobble
• Make Mayhem Memorable
• Klown First, Kop Second

SERVICES INCLUDE:

• Event Patrols
• Citation Dispersal
• Dance-friendly Precincts
• Interactive Reformation Exercises
• Half-Assed Crowd Control
• Security Details
• Border Ignorance